Vicky's Story: Depressed and Divorced

Wow, I thought I was a Christian until Oct. 27, 1998. That was the date that changed my life forever. I was raised in a Catholic home. I went to church every Sunday and went through all the ceremonies, but I never really had a relationship with God. My life was good, but there was something missing.

I met my first husband in college. We got married right after graduation and moved away from the places we grew up, over 500 miles away, to start our new life together. I was out of work; he was working all the time. We had one car. I was alone and depressed for over 6 months. I was totally away from my family and friends; we weren't even making enough money to afford long distance calls to stay connected. I was aching for something. After a year of this loneliness, I got a job working as a teacher in a Christian school. Part of the requirements for the job was to be connected in a church. Well, that Baptist church began filling me up. God was beginning to work on the loneliness that I had been feeling. Little did I know that He was preparing me for the trial of my life.

My husband and I moved back home a year later. We had our ups and downs. He was working late hours and began to change. Mind you, we found a new church, a Bible preaching church, and we were going regularly. He began going out after work for a few drinks, staying out and closing bars. I was still worried about money. We had more than ever before in our marriage, but he always found a way to spend whatever savings we had. We never talked about how it was making me feel. I went away for 2 days for a seminar. When I returned on a Friday afternoon, he was so distant. He threatened to stay the weekend in a hotel to sort things out.

When I returned home from work on Monday, Oct. 27th, I had a "Dear John" letter on the stairs. He told me that he was in love with another woman and wasn't sure how he felt about her. She was married herself with two small kids. He said that we hadn't been happy for a long time. He needed to leave to sort out what he was feeling. I was crushed. I was so broken. He had moved his clothes out of the house while I was at work. I didn't know how I would get through this affair that he was having. There were times when I couldn't eat for days, and days that I couldn't get out of bed. I would go to work in a fog. I longed to get home and sit by the phone in case he called. He didn't. My "best" friend in the whole world was gone.

There was nothing left for me to do but to cry out to Jesus. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that God would "fix" things. I prayed that God would make it all better, and that my husband would come back and we would be a family again. What I didn't count on is the way that God "fixes" things. He had a better plan for me to get through the brokenness. In fact, God allowed my husband to come home for a month. He said that he had reconsidered and that God told him to honor the marriage commitment that he had made. But, my husband told me that he would never love me again. He would never touch me again. At first, I thought this was ok, and that God had taken the first step to putting this back together. But, what he showed me over the course of a month was that this was not a relationship that He wanted for me. I was so scared of getting a divorce. I thought about the shame and the stigma from being a divorced woman. If I divorced my husband, I feared letting down my family, but, most importantly God.

The Bible tells us in the book of Malachi that God hates divorce. Let me tell you that I looked at that verse often and wondered, "why is this happening to me? It's not fair. If God hates divorce then he'll put this back together again." But, because of my husband's affair, I was given a "way out" of the shame and the realization that I might be sinning if I remarried. God hates divorce, but in the New Testament He tells us that there are two conditions where divorce with a later remarriage is not a sin--one of those cases is adultery. You see, God is merciful. Not just to me, but to my husband. In the Old Testament, people caught in adultery would be stoned to death, and the offended spouse would be widowed, and free to marry again. God never intended for spouses to be unfaithful. The marriage covenant is based on fidelity and trust. My husband broke his covenant with me and with God. The knowledge that divorcing him would not be a sin brought me a lot of comfort. God came to show me that being with someone who doesn't love you for the sake of being in a relationship was not love. It was not security. After a month of this hell and pretending, I told him to leave. I couldn't live without being loved and appreciated. I told him I would be staying with friends for 2 days, and when I returned he needed to be gone. He was.

I had good days and bad days after that. But, as the months rattled on, I learned that God is not a magic genie. He doesn't just snap His fingers and make things better just because we hurt. And He doesn't give us exactly what we want when we want it. I thought I wanted my husband back. God gave me that for a short time to show me I really didn't want what I thought I wanted (if that makes sense).

We have to turn to God in our despair. We have to read His Word and see that we are not alone. I can't tell you how I clung to the words in the Psalms and thought about the struggles that King David went through. Through it all, the sins and the hurt, God took care of David, and I knew He would take care of me. I felt like Job in the Bible; that I had been abandoned and hurt. I surrounded myself with stronger Christians. I spent a lot of time praying, and crying, and singing, and really thinking about the healing, loving spirit of God. I cried to my Daddy to make the pain go away. I finally surrendered my life and what I wanted over to Him in all areas. That was what brought me into a real relationship with Jesus and not just the motions and the ceremonies that I thought made me a Christian. Many times, it takes very painful experiences to bring us to that point and I am an example of that! And you know what, my first husband left almost 8 years ago-- since then, I totally put my faith in God. I'm a stronger person for it; I have a great new husband and a relationship that is built on God's love and honest, open communication. I never would have met this wonderful man if I hadn't suffered in my first marriage. It's because of that hurt that I am the person I am today. We don't keep our feelings bottled up. If the old demons rear their ugly heads, my husband John and I talk about them before it gets to the point where we begin to resent each other.

I'm more confident in who I am as a person. I completed my master's degree and bought my first house. I have a terrific job in one of the best school districts in the state. All of this on my own--I never would have been strong enough or self confident enough to try anything of these things before. I know that God took care of me when I was broken. He protected me from the details of my first husband's affair that I didn't need to know. He strengthened me to make it through some of the most painful situations of my life. I know that God will always be there for me no matter what. All I have to do is surrender to His will and spend time with Him. Now, I talk to and counsel other women who are suffering from affairs and divorce. I pray with my husband on a regular basis. We go to church and serve through our financial gifts and practical talents. I am a different, stronger woman because I was broken and God filled me up and made me whole again.

I know there is a God. I know that He loves me and wants what is best for me. I also know that He sent His Son Jesus to pay for my sins and my failures. I know that I can always count on Him to be there for me. All I have to do is open up my heart and talk to Him. I was broken. You may be broken too. You may be thinking that the hurt won't ever go away and that no one understands or has felt this pain that you are feeling. It's true; no one will truly understand your hurt except Your Father who loves you. The pain will eventually go away, it takes time. Won't you let God love you the way that He loved me just when I needed Him most? I know that you will find freedom from the pain and the love of God if you would cry out to Him and let Him be the love of your life.

If you are depressed or struggling from a difficult relationship and want to know the One who can help you, please follow this link:
How can I know God?