Lori's Story: Unsatisfied and Depressed

I have had an amazing two years. About two years ago I graduated from Worcester Polytechnic Institute and joined the family business. Just over a year ago I married a wonderful man. This past spring, my husband and I bought a fantastic house for the children we hoped to have in a few years. Just over a week ago I completed my master's degree. Sounds like I should have been happy, right?

And yet I wasn't. About six months ago, I realized that I had lost my purpose. What had really happened was that I had lost my joy.

I tried everything. In a session at the Monadnock women's retreat a few weeks ago, the speaker, Linda Shultz Anderson, spoke about looking for happiness in all the wrong places. She described the Avis mode--if I only try harder, I'll be happy. She also discussed the mall mode--if I only had this new pair of shoes, or in my case, this house, I'd be happy. Then there was the devastating leaning mode--somehow my family or friends should ensure my happiness. The reason that this was so destructive for me was that nobody, including myself, could even figure out what I had to be so depressed about, so what was it that I was expecting from them? In a nutshell, she had summarized the year and a half of my life leading up to my salvation.

Trying harder only made me tired. Buying more was fun for a while, and don't get me wrong, I love our home. But it didn't fill my emptiness. And trying to make other people responsible for my happiness only strained our relationships. I finally realized that I was tiring myself out trying too hard to achieve the things that mean success according to the society we live in. I just felt stressed out and tired. I started having brief fits of depression, where I would be completely devastated by anything that didn't go my way. Then I would cry uncontrollably, because I didn't know what I was so upset about and felt like I had lost control of my life. If I didn't get any joy from the life I'd been living and the goals I'd achieved, then why was I doing it? And if none of these things could give me a fundamental purpose, then where was I possibly going to turn to find one? I felt like I had looked everywhere.

During one of my crying fits, my father made a very simple suggestion. So simple that it's amazing to me that nobody else had suggested it, or that it hadn't even crossed my mind. He said, "Why don't you go to church with Beth this weekend and see if there's something there that can help you with this?" I said, "Yeah, you know, it couldn't hurt."

Before I even got to church that weekend, my dad gave me some tapes of some of the Pastor's sermons. There were two in particular that I'll never forget, because they spoke right to my heart and my troubles. The first one was based on Philippians 3:12-14 and Philippians 4:11-13, where Paul talks about learning to always be content no matter what his material and worldly situation is. It became so clear to me that I had been chasing material goals and I needed to chase God instead. I could stop worrying so much about having a great car, house, and career, because He would take care of me if I'd only ask Him to.

The second sermon talked about Pontius Pilate and how he was troubled by Jesus because he knew that there was something extraordinary about this guy, but he shrugged it off and turned away his chance for salvation. This struck me, because God had caught my attention a few times over the past few years, and I had let my interest fade each time. I asked God not to let me slip away this time. Within two months I accepted Jesus as my personal savior and asked God into my life.

Since then, I've slowly been healed. I still mess up of course. I can still slip into having pity parties for myself, or find myself worrying about things instead of turning them over to God. But I can pull myself out of these modes because when I'm starting to fall by relying on a new source of joy in my salvation. I have a new feeling of purpose.

I have been amazed by the things that God has provided for me every time I've asked. This spring, He gave me those taped sermons. He has brought me back in touch with an old friend of mine, who accepted Christ in the last year and has been a great help in my young faith. I asked Him for some kind of bible study group because I feel like I need something structured to get me reading the bible on a regular basis. He brought me to a discipleship conference which really helped. I was driving to church a couple of weekends ago thinking that I needed a booster shot, and the Pastor's sermon was "Do you need a fill-up?" Every time I've asked, He's given.

So I thank God for my family; especially my husband. I also thank God for being stubborn with me this time, and showing me all the reasons I have to rejoice.

If you are depressed or unsatisfied with life, please follow this link:
What is purpose of your life?