Cindy's Story: Longing For Love

I was raised in a home where my father was a non-practicing Catholic and my mother was a Protestant who became a Christian at the age of 18 during a Billy Graham Crusade in Boston. When my family moved from Boston to a suburb outside of the city, my Mom started to attend a Congregational church and took all of us kids there. This is where I first learned about God. Everything I learned made sense to me, and being a child, seemed like a wonderful fairy tale: the Kingdom of Heaven, a good and gracious King, and His desire to have people join Him in His kingdom. One day one of my brothers explained to me that I should ask Jesus Christ to come into my life so that I could have this eternal life in God's Kingdom. It made perfect sense to me, and so at the age of 7 years old I became a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. I matured in my new faith very slowly as I never had anyone who really taught me (outside of church). However, the experiences I was having at home began to crowd into my life, and since I was not strong in my faith, I began floundering.

I had been a favorite child of my father's and the baby of the family. We didn't have much money, but he "spoiled me" with his attention. This caused dissension between me and my brothers, especially because he was very unfair and cruel at times towards them. My father was a difficult man to live with and as a result my parents fought almost constantly. This bothered me greatly, but I was at least spared of most of his fury...that was until I became a teenager. As I grew up, I began to question things and question him. I needed to know "why". He didn't like this and so we began to argue. I became frustrated and angry with him. My relationship with my father turned sour and I began to look for ways to escape the unhappiness of my home life. I still believed in God, but being immature, I did not turn towards Him for help. Instead, I found that boys were a good escape. If my father wouldn't help me, maybe they would. I quickly became a person that had many boyfriends and fell in love easily. My whole life began to revolve around these relationships. My parents were so busy fighting they didn't seem to notice the trouble I was getting into. I was left without much direction and so I forged my own way in life. All the while, I still thought I was "okay" because I was still a "nice girl"...not doing some of the things that "bad girls" do. However, I pushed the envelope as far as it would go, and was emotionally caught in a trap. If I ever broke up with a boyfriend I would come completely undone...emotionally wrecked. These relationships were still adolescent...but the problems only got worse for me when I turned 20.

Since I was still directionless and thinking a man would solve my problems, I became involved with a young man who I quickly got engaged to. Since I thought I was going to marry him, I slept with him. I knew this was wrong but still I did this. I remember thinking that night as I snuck into my house that I was dirty and would never be the same. Our relationship was rocky and I began to get easily angered over the fact that things did not look like they were going to work out. Not long after that, I did not feel peace about marrying him and broke up with him. We were still in each other's lives as our mothers worked together. One night I was wondering if I had made a mistake and was crying to my mother. She insisted to me that I had not, and after my pressing her for information, she told me that the man I was engaged to was bisexual and was living in a homosexual relationship. I was so confused, angry, frightened, etc. AIDS was just coming into the news at that time and all sorts of thoughts pounded my mind--safe sex did not exist. I remember my mother's words: "Just let it go. Be glad that at least you never had sex with him." With terror and remorse I confessed to her that I did. My Mom went into a panic and I had the unbelievably difficult job of going to my father and telling him what I had done. I felt rage in my heart towards my fiancé for what he had done to me. I remember lying in my bed that night thinking I was going to die and I was absolutely terrified. I called out to God to rescue me. My parents took me to my doctor the next day to see if I could get an AIDS test. The doctor refused to do one as he thought it would harm me as far as my "medical record" went. That only scared us more. After that, I began to become more confused. I was crying out to God for help, but not reading the Bible or going to church regularly. I continued to make poor choices.

There was another man in my life at this time who was a friend to me. He was 46 years old and I was 20. For some reason I began to see something in this person. I had a void inside of me that I thought he could fill. We were good friends; he was smart, funny and seemed stable. I let our friendship develop and then one day let it become physical. I remember thinking "What am I doing?!" The reply in my mind was that since I was no longer a virgin, it didn't matter anymore. This man became everything to me. I fell deeply in love with him, and felt like we were soul mates. Soon our problems began to develop. I found out after a few months that he was an alcoholic and had a problem with pornography. Still, I hoped he would change and we became engaged. For three years I lived with him off and on. My life was a mess as I tried to deal with his addictions, broken promises, and with my own bad behavior. The anger I had felt towards my father, and the other man I was engaged to began to surface again, and we would have fights that were violent. I felt such rage over the situation. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I was unable to stop being with this person. I had become addicted to him. All the while, I did not have peace about this relationship. I became depressed and suicidal. I would continually cry out to God to rescue me as my life spun out of control. I remember I would feel guilty and try to talk to my fiancé about God. He would always say the same thing to me, "You should leave me. You need to marry a nice, young, Christian man. I'm no good. I can't change." My heart was broken as I really loved him and wanted things to be different. One day while at his house, after an episode of wanting to kill myself, I decided to put the TV on. It was Billy Graham giving a crusade. He was speaking, but it was as if God was speaking directly to me through him. I left there that night and asked God to change my life and get me out of the mess I was in.

The next day my neighbor, who I had known since I was 3 years old, came by my parent's house for a visit to see my brothers. He was on his way to a camp meeting his church was having. I thought to myself, "Now that is a nice, young, Christian man." He had been away at college while I was wasting my life. He seemed different to me than the boy I used to know. He invited me to the meeting. I did not go with him that night but went with him to his church the following Sunday. When I walked into his church I felt the love of God flow over me as thick as fog. I was enveloped in it and I remember thinking: "I am home. This is love." Later on, I called my fiancé and broke off our relationship. I started going to church again and began reading my Bible and praying. I finally began to really learn about who God is and the good plan He has for my life and how things go better when we do it His way. It took awhile, but I began to change my lifestyle with God's help. I eventually married that nice, young, Christian man. It hasn't been perfect, and there is still a lot that needs to change in me, but I am so thankful to God that He spared me from the destructive lifestyle I was in.

When I think of the men I almost married and what my life would have been like...it is scary. Many times over I could have become pregnant, contracted AIDS, become addicted to things, and even killed myself. In fact, I recently found out that the bisexual man now has AIDS. I have been tested and I do not. God had another plan for my life. I wish I never did the things I did when I was a young person, and to this day, I still live with many of the consequences of that lifestyle. However, God did answer my prayers and rescued me. He did it by bringing me back to the safest place there is--He brought me back to Himself. And what ever happened to the alcoholic man? He was so upset at losing me that he began to attend church himself in order to win me back. He did not win me back, but God used that in his life to draw him to Himself. That man has been a Christian for 14 years now. I am still trusting God to save the former fiancé who is dying of AIDS as well. The Bible says in Romans 8:28 "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

If you feel that your life is headed in the wrong direction, please follow this link:
What is purpose of life?